Heather and I have bonded over being NICU Mom's....it's not an easy road no matter how short or long your little one is in there.
So today I am linking up with the lovely Heather at
Blonde Undercover Blonde for NICU Mom's to hopefully offer some support to anyone going through it, and meet other new Mama's who were there and totally get it!
My little story....
Baby Name: Jack
Baby's gestation age at birth: I was 8 days past my due date, so 41 weeks 3 days
Baby Stats: 6lbs 2oz 20.5 inches
Time in NICU: Baby J was in there for one full long week, but luckily it was only 1 week.
Reasons for NICU: Even though I had preclampsyia and they talked about inducing me before my due date on numerous occasions, we waited till a full week past my due date before doing anything. It was a LONG road, and I ended up bed rest for the majority of the end. But they wanted this little man to cook for as long as possible! My OB was very pro-full term. So we made it there, and then some.
Baby J was born on a Thursday AM via c section. After hours and hours and hour upon labor with not much progression on my bodies part. Once I got my epidural my contractions came to a halting stop, which resulted in good ol' pitocin to get the ball rolling again. Only problem was everytime I contracted his heart rate dropped, so off the pitocin I went.
Finally after a long road of playing games with my body, lots of drugs, I went in for the c section and Baby J made his appearance at 2am on Decemeber 8th 2011.
I was moved to post pardum room by 4am and my little baby was in the nursery since I was pretty out of it and my husband was too. Around 10am when I woke up and felt with it enough I called the nurses to have him brought to my room so I could see my little man with clear eyes! My little piece of heaven was rolled in and I was so excited to meet him all over again.
Our first little afternoon together was wonderful. He napped we stared...it was beautiful. When the nurses came in to check my vitals they checked his as well. Then around 4:00pm that day the nurses gave us the dreadful update..."they needed to take him to the nursery to check on a few things". I didn't think too much of it. I was disappointed, but not over the top concerned. Yet.
Well that afternoon Baby J was put in an isolation room for monitoring. His heart rate was significantly slower than it should be. My little baby boy had this big ol' room to himself and it was WAY down the hall from this Mama who had barely taken her first steps post surgery. In this little room he stayed in a bed hooked up to all kinds of machines and we couldn't really even hold him. It was sad. And SO UNEXPECTED.
To keep a long story relatively short, we got the run around from doctor after doctor, shift after shift. Everyone wanted another few hours of monitoring, everyone wanted a few more tests. It was a painful process having the doctors give us hope "he should be back in your room tonight"....then an hour later "we are going to keep him for another 24 observation.
This went on for the LONGEST WEEK OF MY LIFE. I was missing out on my bonding time, on my private moments.
Obstacles:
Baby J had a few obstacles while in the NICU that kept causing him another day. His red blood cell counts, potential jaundice, needing to go on oxygen one night, and of course the slow heart rate that got him in their the first place. When Baby J did finally make it home we had a heart monitor on him, we had visiting nurses, follow-up appts with the pediatrician, and follow-up EKG's at Children's hospital.
My biggest obstacles.
- Walking into the NICU and seeing some random nurse (or one we have gotten to know) feeding him. It killed me. That was MY job. I'm the Mom.
- Going to bed in my room at the hospital without him there. A mother is supposed to be with her baby 24/7 when they are born. Especially hours and just days old. I have always intended having a healthy baby and assumed he would be in our room unless WE sent him to the nursery. It was never an option in my head that I would be in there and so would he.
- The constant back and forth with different doctors. I knew they were doing their jobs, but I can't say I didn't yell at any of them. I may have bitched a few people out.
- Having to be buzzed in to the NICU to see MY baby. It just stung a little.
- Seeing the Mom's in there visiting their little babies that had been in there for weeks, if not months. It hurt my heart seeing it...I felt for those women, and still do.
- Not being there for every feeding, every diaper change, every little moment.
- Feeling like when I was there for feedings and changes that the nurses were constantly looking over my shoulder. They were making helpful suggestions that at times I did appreciate, however I wanted to stumble my way through being a new Mom without an audience of experts!
- And the biggest, hardest and worst moment of all. Being wheeled out of the hospital with all my flowers, balloons, baby presents and bags, with my little baby boy upstairs staying at the hospital. I always envisioned that moment like in the movies being wheeled out holding your little one and you significant other waiting at the car. It's supposed to be a happy moment. For me it was one of the hardest.
What also made it harder is that straight from the hospital I was off to wake of my grandmother whom I was very close with. She passed away two days after Baby J's birth and never got to meet him. I was being discharged, heading to her wake, and then heading back to the hospital to say good night to my little man. The next morning we went to the funeral, then straight back to the hospital with our car seat and going home outfit in hand, because yet another doctor told us that we would be able to take him home. Going home that night was torture. I felt like I had lost so much and I just wanted to sleep on the floor of that NICU.
Maybe....this is why I am SO over protective. Maybe this is why he slept in our room in his little bassinet until he was almost 5 months old because I felt like I got robbed of the experience having him sleep in his little bed next to that first week. Maybe this is why I cried the first night he slept in his crib away from me. Maybe this is why my baby is almost 6 months old and has never been baby sat or left alone with anyone but me and my husband? I think it truly did something to me and even though I don't think of this experience daily I think it may have molded me in some little ways to be a tad bit more protective with my favorite little man.
How did I cope with all this? Amazing support of family and friends. My husband being my rock while I was going through a tough time emotionally for so many reasons, and also physical with the c section recovery. My friends were amazing during this time coming to visit and see us and Baby J too.
My recommendations.....
Anyone who is going through this, or has this experience in their future. Remember to lean on those who care about you. Cry, and cry a lot. It helps getting it out. Just let the hormones loose! Know the nurses are there to help to. I got resentful with them at times, but they truly care for those little babies in there and care for them as if they were their own. Go home and get some sleep (I know so much easier said than done). It stings every time you walk out of their without your baby, but your body needs this time to heal too. But most of all, just be patient and your little bundle of joy will come home with you very very soon!
My little man now...getting so big!
Thank you Heather for putting this link up together! I am so glad it worked out! I really enjoyed reliving this experience, it was actually very therapeutic! Even though it was a tough time, it was also the best moments of my life!
